On transformation

So, the last few years have certainly been a damned rollercoaster for me. I’ve embraced the “genderqueer” title for a long time, certainly, but it’s only been recently that I’ve gone to presenting femme full-time. I realized that I had an alcohol problem that was pretty much incompatible with “keeping it under control”, and so, I just stopped.

But as much as anything, I took the suggestion of my friend Amanda, and took a first silks class out of a backyard in North Austin. I fell on my ass trying to climb, and I huffed and puffed… and just fucking fell in love. I have forgotten how rewarding it is to throw yourself into something that you’re not immediately good at and watch yourself grow and get better and get stronger. It’s made all of the better by having it be an activity that channels strength and energy into grace and mindfulness. It’s now over two years that I’ve been on silks and pole at Laché Movement Co. and at Sky Candy, and it’s hard to look back. I’ve had days where I’m about to cry, and I find myself getting upside down, hooking on a fabric, and the worst of it just disappears.

Anyway, I was on the silks about a month ago, listening to stuff on the earbuds, and this blast from the past came on:

And all of the sobriety feels, and the dark places from my 20s and everything just came racing forward, and a routine just happened in my head. I’m scared I’m not yet at the point to give justice to what I’m trying to do, but I also promised myself I’d go on stage for something this year, and if it’s in your heart, you do what’s in your heart. So, take the stage I will this saturday. I’m truly both so excited and so scared.