On transformation

So, the last few years have certainly been a damned rollercoaster for me. I’ve embraced the “genderqueer” title for a long time, certainly, but it’s only been recently that I’ve gone to presenting femme full-time. I realized that I had an alcohol problem that was pretty much incompatible with “keeping it under control”, and so, I just stopped.

But as much as anything, I took the suggestion of my friend Amanda, and took a first silks class out of a backyard in North Austin. I fell on my ass trying to climb, and I huffed and puffed… and just fucking fell in love. I have forgotten how rewarding it is to throw yourself into something that you’re not immediately good at and watch yourself grow and get better and get stronger. It’s made all of the better by having it be an activity that channels strength and energy into grace and mindfulness. It’s now over two years that I’ve been on silks and pole at Laché Movement Co. and at Sky Candy, and it’s hard to look back. I’ve had days where I’m about to cry, and I find myself getting upside down, hooking on a fabric, and the worst of it just disappears.

Anyway, I was on the silks about a month ago, listening to stuff on the earbuds, and this blast from the past came on:

And all of the sobriety feels, and the dark places from my 20s and everything just came racing forward, and a routine just happened in my head. I’m scared I’m not yet at the point to give justice to what I’m trying to do, but I also promised myself I’d go on stage for something this year, and if it’s in your heart, you do what’s in your heart. So, take the stage I will this saturday. I’m truly both so excited and so scared.

Crisis mode

Housekeeping — I’m getting my writing sea-legs back under me. This is not as well-researched or expressed as what I’m used to expecting from myself, so please bear with me.

So, one thing that has been bothering me, a lot, in our 21st century fiasco, is how every single election, lately, has resulted in an inconclusive clusterfuck.

Let’s go back in time…

  1. First, we have the narrow, contested Bolivian election, where the official results had Morales winning with less than a majroity and a tiny sliver enough of a lead to avoid a runoff.
    This stew combined to create protests and eventually Morales’ departure from office and exile to Mexico. This of course, has led to counter-protesting and the two sides accusing the other of illegitmacy, illiberality, and forming a coup. The situation is chaotic and unlikely to resolve soon.
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  3. Then, you have this pair of Spanish elections ending with no clear winner and minority governments.
  4. In Israel, the same basic story persists, with two consectuive elections unable to form a conclusive result.
    As of this writing, Benjamin Netanyahu has been unable to form a government, and Benny Gantz, the former opposition leader, is has three days left on his one-month deadline to form his own government (and rumors say that he’s seeking a historical minority government backed by Israeli Arab parties
  5. Not to mention the famous paralysis in the British political system, where Theresa May held an election in an attempt to extend her narrow majority, and instead lost it, and then found the Brexit process hijacked by Ulster Unionists. The situation persisted to have a broken Parliament deliberate over Brexit in a broken way until another election, to be held December 12, was finally decided. UK polling is famously horrible, but if you look at it, it is all over the place (remember that single member districting is even more distorting in the UK than in the US, and national polls are not good predictors of Parliament seat totals
  6. Hell, even famously stable Sweden had this mess of an election result last year.
  7. Italy is also in crisis as the traditional parties have collapsed, and you have unstable coalitions between unorthodox parties and the remnants of the mainstream flickering in and out of life. But then again, political instability is hardly new to Italy.
  8. And of course, indecisive results are the new normal in the United States, with being the last time the presidential election was won with a majority of the vote and by more than five points (though you could argue 1996 was pretty decisive).

There are counterexamples, but they kind of prove the point, like Obrador winning decisively in Mexico on an anti-establishment platform, or Macron winning decisively in a runoff against the far-right Marine Le Pen in a runoff after a very, very narrow four way statistical tie in the first round, and the recent dominance of the BJP in India, but bringing up the BJP brings us to my point — the places that seem to actually be creating decisive election results are also the places that are actively undermining the institutions of liberal democracy, whether it’s Modi putting all of Kashmir under house arrest, Ergodan’s suppression of his Kurdish population and politically motivated arrests, or the the political crisis in Thailand, and of course, the rise of Putinism.

What does all of this mean? One can certainly piece together any number of causes. But it certainly seems really strange that every country in the world seems at its own throat with a 50/50 standoff unless one side or the other has opted to descend into authoritarianism. Or maybe we’re just in another 1848, with the old way of being falling apart, and the new way of being not quite being ready.

And it scares me, becuase I see a lot of stalemate, a lot of things that are broken, but no one is really offering any solutions.

Hello

So… why does this place exist?

It’s here because I need a little bit of a quiet place to think. As I find social media getting 4channier and louder and more aggressive, I find myself getting dumber and angrier and less and less able to say why I am feeling a thing, rather than the fact that I’m feeling the thing. I’m finding myself at cross-purposes to people I love, and I am finding myself simply spinning my heels with the frustration and anger of it.

And so, I’m opting out. If social media is the two minutes hate, then political memes are the newspeak of our era, and I am going to do my best to not participate in that anymore. I’m not going to stop paying attention to things, and I’m not going to stop participating in the world, but I’m certainly going to stop feeding the demon that Mark Zuckerberg et. al. have raised. So, I’m moving here, to a domain I own, and I’m going to do my best to commit paragraphs to the page and be as thoughtful as I can. I’m not expecting a ton of readership here, but if I have the chance to make my thoughts coherent, and gather together notes about the world, maybe that’ll be enough. Putting together something and actually expressing it sounds better to me than just constantly throwing one sentence snark out into the void, anyway.